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| The view from our Apartment |
I’ve decided to write a pretty “real” weekly this week because I don’t really feel like sugarcoating anything and I want you to truly know what I have been feeling the past little while on my mission. I’ll include some of my thoughts on Belgium at the end, if this email isn’t too long!
You often hear in the church that missions aren’t easy. You immediately think it is because of the physical load that is placed on you, working for 14 or more hours a day, walking miles and miles, bearing with the weather, etc etc. Those are all challenges, but I don’t think that is what most returned missionaries are talking about. Honestly, I have found it is the emotional battle you have with yourself. You are expected to be at your best at all times, but you are in a system where being absolutely perfect is not possible. So you constantly have this battle with yourself of not measuring up and beating yourself up because you could be doing something better. You can go so far as to question your faith, or doctrine, and so forth, until you have finally spiraled down into a deep pit of despair, discouragement, resentment, all that fun stuff. I could be generalizing, but for the most part I think all missionaries feel this to some degree or another.
The past few months I have been struggling with finding a reason to stay on my mission. I disagree with a lot of what is going on in my mission and where the focus of the work is being placed and it has resulted in a pretty competitive and foul atmosphere - in my opinion. To me over the past little while it has made much more sense to take myself out of the situation that has been causing me so much stress and unhappiness and go back to what is easy and normal for me. I feel a lot of my past problems on the mission were very miniscule things. I had problems with diligence, talking with people, confronting people, etc etc. But, none of those are really “problems” any more. I know how to work hard now - I still move slow, but that’s another story - I can talk with people, I am comfortable with who I am, and I’m not really afraid to confront someone if they are in the wrong. But, to me, trying to find my testimony of missionary work, again, has been an actual issue for me.
I feel like as I have matured throughout the mission, I have begun to ask more questions and I wasn’t really finding the answers to them. I think I told my dad that “I wasn’t finding what I thought I would on my mission.” I’m not really sure what I was looking for but, I’ve struggled all my life with feeling peace and a sense of happiness, and I think I have been looking for that in the mission, but over the past few weeks I have not felt any of that. It has been completely my fault, looking back, I can see that now. All we can really control in life is our attitude and I was choosing to have a pretty foul one. I had lost myself in my thoughts. My criticisms of myself and others had increased, my frustration had increased, and my patience decreased. I had been trying to do an incredibly hard work by myself and it was not working at all.
Fortunately, Heavenly Father has blessed me with some wonderful missionaries who have really helped me discover what is most important. All of my past companions, and the ones I have lived with. It is interesting that each has been, age wise, older and much older in the mission. Their experiences have shaped me and helped me become a better missionary. And, of course, Heavenly Father has let all of this happen according to his plans.
It is curious that throughout this battle in my mind of whether or not I want to go home, I have been guided. I recently discovered one of the main reasons why I was in Cergy - which includes an incredible story - and now I am here in Belgium with a transfer three missionary and an area that has very high potential. I do not think it has been by chance that I have learned from older missionaries and difficult experiences, to now be in an area where I can put that all to practice.
This past Sunday was fast sunday and I decided to fast for myself. I fasted to feel Love. I fasted to feel a reason to stay on my mission, to know why I am here. Let me tell you that God really does hear our prayers, he really does know our struggles, because he answered my prayer. I had really been quite sour towards the mission up until Sunday, but as soon as we started sacrament meeting, it vanished. I will always believe nothing happens by chance and that is what I believe about coming to Belgium. The ward here is incredible. I have never felt so much love in my life. Each testimony shared was in gratitude to another member and to their Father in Heaven. Each testimony was so sincere and it struck me to the core. I felt love for so many people I didn’t even know and I felt the love of my Heavenly Father.
We went to a member’s house that night and I was able to listen to their stories. Miraculously, as soon as I arrived in Belgium I began to understand almost all the french. I can understand and speak. So, Sunday night was very enriching for me as I heard such wonderful histories of the lives of this dear family. Our spiritual thought consisted of reading 3 Nephi 11:8-17 and then watching the video “For God so Loved the World.” The spirit was so strong, we each bore our testimonies and the emotion was present.
Thinking back to another visit with a member, I was distracted by my thoughts of leaving, and I wondered to myself “Why do I stay?” The answer came in a still small voice, and it said, “Because of them.” I was humbled by that answer and I returned my focus on the dear sister we were teaching.
My experiences have been quite the refiner’s fire. It seems I am too stubborn to be humbled without these difficult experiences, but I am grateful. I know this is where I need to be. Whether or not I am the missionary others want me to be, I feel I am the missionary God needs me to be. I know this is how my mission is supposed to play out. There are so many days when I feel like breaking down and giving up - but, I can’t. Instead I can look up. I can look up and Thank Heavenly Father for this opportunity to grow, to learn, and to be happy. In our lives we all face trials and afflictions, but we don’t have to do it alone, and we don’t have to be unhappy.
We each have a work we need to do, but we never have to do that work alone. God is there, pushing us along. Along with God we have his son, Jesus Christ, our savior and redeemer who can take all of our burdens and sufferings away from us. Remembering them makes such a difference. I’m grateful for these experiences and I am grateful I have another year to help others. To listen to them, and bring a little joy into their lives as well. So if you are experiencing difficulties in your life, instead of complaining about them, Thank Heavenly Father for this opportunity to become better than you were before.
Here’s to another year!
Much Love,
Elder Molinari
P.S. I’ll just mention real quick after my discourse, that Belgium is FREEZING and it is completely different from France, and I keep telling people we are missionaries in France for two years, but the Fries are good and I need to try a waffle still!
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| My new companion and Ward Mission Leader |
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| Random scenery |
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| Me and a statue |
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